


Illness

by Not_Safe_For_Woof



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, So if you're not comfortable with that content turn back now, Warning for all these things guys!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-02 22:12:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Safe_For_Woof/pseuds/Not_Safe_For_Woof
Summary: An exploration of Leonardo Hamato's depression and how his relationships, familial and romantic, help him navigate such an intensely emotional part of his mind, character, and life. Based in the 2003 universe and specifically around the events of Season 4 of that show. I don't hold anything back when talking about his mental illness and how he copes with it so be warned.





	1. Treated

Leonardo comes back from Japan cured. With their home in ruins and Karai after them, it takes Leo's family a full week to really settle and appreciate this fact. It's strange, the way they went from walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around every word and action when Leonardo was near. To back to... same old Leo. Better than sometimes. He's quicker to take jokes as such, less grumpy, and less distant from his family.

So it takes a week for them to slide back into that. Mikey winces whenever a silence follows a joke. He expects Leo's harsh, scolding voice. The worst he gets is an eye-roll. Raph doesn't leave the lair, doesn't start fights until it's clear that Leo will shoot back with banter or competition rather than with seething hot rage. And Donnie hovers over Leo, searching carefully for signs, for scars, for the damage he'd seen before.

He'd offered medication. Before Leo left. When he was so clearly drowning in his trauma. Leo had refused each time. First softly, firmly. Then more defiantly. Throwing the bottle in the trash. Then with bursting solar flares of emotions that left Donnie burnt and in pain. He had shouted. The bottle and pills had hit the ground with a clatter. And he ranted for what seemed like hours about how he needed to be focused, about how any kind of drug could throw him off, make him useless all over again. Donnie recalled now that it had been only fifteen short minutes before tears started to form in the corner of Leo's eyes. The yelling stopped, and he excused himself.

Donatello didn't offer anything to Leo now. He just watched, studied, inspected, waiting for one of the cogs in his brother's mind to pop out of place again. So hopefully this time, he could apply some tools, and some elbow grease to slide it back into where it was supposed to be.

Until a week passed. And their family, both immediate and extended let out a small sigh a relief that none of them had realized had been caged in their lungs.

Still. It took months for whatever passed as normalcy to really set in. April and Casey visited over and over. More overjoyed to see Leo healing each time they poked into the lair. Healed. The cracks in his resolve paved over with forgiveness and wisdom.  
Usagi even managed to check in on them. Which after some confusion (panic and despair and anger) involving the destruction of their old home, he too was happy to see Leo's calmer, softer self.

Leo didn't want to dwell on it, but perhaps happy wasn't the right word. And well... relieved was putting it mildly. Usagi had visibly shaken when they'd embraced. When Usagi had yanked them together in a strong, tight hug. "I thought..." Leo could hear his friend choke up as he started the words. He didn't finish them. Usagi simply pulled back, sniffed and went back to a (mostly) rigid samurai. He was still shaking slightly, and the way he smiled betrayed the way a giant weight had lifted off his shoulders too.

Then. When he recovered. He gave Leonardo an address. Of sorts. They were characters, characters that would make sure his letters were dropped in Lord Noriyuki's mail room whenever Leo etched a portal into their world. "Always drop them off at night. The couriers will be long done with their duties by then. I don't want any of them getting a direct route to you or your family. We don't want another Kojima situation. That had been foolish of me."

"But what about-" Leo could think of a million problems with Usagi's plan still. How would the mail get to him? Wouldn't it still be painfully slow? Wouldn't Noriyuki and his men get suspicious of weird letters kept showing up in his mail room? There was only so much one could write off as a lapse in attention.

"Plus..." Usagi interrupted, smiling mischievously, happy that he had an answer for all the questions in Leonardo's eyes. "Noriyuki has agreed to overlook the appearance of any strange mail addressed to me, and deliver it as fast as possible. Most importantly he has agreed to keep our correspondence unopened, untampered, and safe. Normally I do not ask for payment from him. He is just and fights just battles, but after all my service for him. I did not see a problem in asking for one small favor."

At the time Leo had snorted at the word small with all the resources that request could potentially take, but he couldn't help but toss a letter through the portal a day after Usagi had left. And was overjoyed when a response came two weeks later, as warm and witty a normal conversation with his friend. Even if it put somewhat of a burden on the young lord, Leo dropped any worry he'd held quickly. He couldn't see how he'd lived without this connection for so long, and wasn't about to give it up. Leo wondered briefly if it would have saved him. Before his father had to step in and ship him off to Japan.

So they exchanged letter after letter after letter. By the time Usagi visited again, six months later, bringing small, inexpensive gifts for them all, Leo knows so much more. Knows why Tomoe Ame and Gennosuke are so important to him. Knows who Mariko and Jotaro are, and the tragedy and hope surrounding them. Knows of Usagi's rival in love Kenichi, and about Jei, the demon who still regularly haunts Usagi's nightmares.

But the exchange goes both ways. Usagi knows so much more too. About his brothers, about April and Casey and Leatherhead and their adventures in space and time.

He and Leo hug warmly and spend the next two weeks sparring, meditating, discussing haiku and war. Leo feels soothed all over again. He had stopped fighting himself thanks to the ancient one. But there is an ease, a happiness that he feels in Usagi's presence that he can't remember ever experiencing. And he rolls back to that thought during their time together often, frowning when that truth is shoved to the forefront of his mind.

But time cycles on and eventually Usagi has to slip back into his own world. And as he does, Leo returns to his desk, already drafting another letter. He sends it out that night, and there's a new yearning for the next reply, stronger than before. He meditates, trains, examining the feeling in all it's facets, and trying to stave off his impatience for Usagi's next letter. His focus is so internal that he doesn't notice winter slowly setting in until he wakes one morning and practically feels the ice in his blood.

Donatello was more prepared, thank the gods. But even with the heaters and lamps, their reptiles, and Leo still feels sluggish as they move through their morning kata. Frustrated with that and still stuck on his new feelings, he works an extra two hours, only stopping when Michelangelo pops in, gives him a worried look, and tells him lunch is ready.

He knows that look. Recognizes it on all of his brothers from when he was at his worst, enraged and sharp-edged. So he breathes, goes to eat, and resigns himself to rest for the remainder of the day. He spends the evening playing board games with his brothers and father. And though he only wins once, he feels much better as he heads to bed.

* * *

 

The frost has set in and Leo's unconscious mind is not kind during the night. He runs in his dreams, but the cold makes him sluggish. Makes him always just a hair too slow for his father, for each of his brothers, and even for Usagi. Later he'll find that strange. He's been friends with Usagi for a time, but he's only showed up in this recurring nightmare now.

At that moment though, he wakes angry and scared. His emotions flood out details. He slips out of his room, jumps the balcony, and runs to the dojo. He picks up each of his katana, and simply holds them in his hands. Leo wants to unsheathe them, wants desperately to feel the security in their humming steel. But its 3 in the morning, and he knows where this road leads, and more importantly he can still see Michelangelo's anxious expression. It's seared there, wordlessly telling him to put the swords down. He does. With a slow, shaky exhale. Leo backs out of the room and climbs the stairs, one after the other.

He does not sleep again, but he goes back to meditation, and that's slightly more restful than his terror-infested nightmares.


	2. Relapse

Leo struggles in the next week. More nightmares come, and though he stops training at their regular time every day. It gets harder to put the swords down every time. He's almost happy when some crisis comes and he has to spend hours with his brothers deep in the sewers, cleaning up one of Bishop's new messes.

Whatever he's done has created bubbling, roaring mutant monstrosities. At first, it's not too bad, even fun at times to be back in his old place with his brothers. He's leading again, fighting again, and while the mutants are strong, they aren't too bright. It's rather easy for their skill and strategy to make each fight more busy work than hard-won battles. Which is more than fine with Leo. His brain is too scrambled (By his emotions concerning Usagi. By the dark inky terrors of his mind) to deal anything more complicated.

It's only when Donnie gets sick that he dwells on this. He should have been focusing harder. Picking up the slack so his brothers could rest when they needed to. So they didn't get a cold, or flu, or whatever bug Don managed to pick up. It's okay though. Donnie will rest he thinks, and he will try harder, and he will pick up that slack. No matter how slow and sluggish his body still feels.

Not that it matters. He's already failed. April's frantic call confirms that. The sight of Don's mutated, monstrous form hits that failure home, driving it down his throat and into his heart like a white-hot ragged nail. When they finally trap him in that glass prison, they all have to excuse themselves. And in that private time, whatever adrenaline that was keeping Leo going when they were luring Don into their trap crumbles away.

He can feel the horror and sadness seep in. Only to be replaced with searing anger. It's all self-directed. He wants retribution. Wants to punish himself for what he's allowed Donatello to become. For the pain he's caused his brother. He considers his the swords on his back, his own teeth, the long butcher knives in the kitchen. He shakes his head, balls his fist until it's stark white, and then punches the wall.

It hurts, and he's relieved that it does. The hot, suffocating anger flows out of him and into the wall. He does it again, and again, and again, (his hand starts dripping red) and again, and again, and again, (he thinks he hears a snap but he isn't sure. There's too much hot blood pounding in his ears) and again, and again, and again. Michelangelo pulls him away from the wall. For a second he goes for another blow against the brick, rearing back to deliver another punch despite Mikey's pleas.

Then he remembers it's Michelangelo, and his family not noticing he was trying to hurt himself was the whole point of training training training until he hurt everywhere. His hand drops, tears come, and he apologizes to his brother. For Donnie, for his hand, for all the other ways he's failed them over the years. He doesn't stop until he stops crying. Which feels like forever.

Mikey tries to tell him it's alright. That it's not his fault, and that he can't be perfect all the time forever. But all that does is make him spit back. "You'd think I could at least be competent though." Mikey frowns, Leo apologizes again, then stalks up to his room and curls up to sleep.

Leonardo thought he was past this. But the next day it's back to training training training until his body aches and he feels like dropping into a starving, tired heap. At least when he's this exhausted, he doesn't have the energy to be angry. 

* * *

 

Only news of Donatello can pull him away. His brothers try other methods. Mikey directly asks, suggesting games, comic books, meditation. Sounding more frustrated each time he asks. Raphael keeps his distance, but his brooding energy and angry gaze press onto Leo daily as he works. He never speaks, never blows up either, which both impresses and disappoints Leo. He's impressed with the control but disappointed their fiery screaming matches aren't there to vent the anger. Maybe they both know now that it wouldn't really do anything. Wouldn't be that release valve the two of them so desperately crave. Not now. Not in this situation.

Still, Leatherhead's updates do pull him up from the molten emotion that's swallowing him, if only for a minute or two. But those updates just get worse and worse, and as they do Leo's body gets stiffer. As if those molten emotions are solidifying into inescapable black rock. Until his father, forever wise and worried, is actually able to chip the cage away and set Leo's wrathful energy toward something other than himself. Bishop made Donatello this way. Bishop might just have a cure. Bishop would need to pay a hefty price, with or without a way to fix his brother.

They don't waste time. Leo barely gets the words out of his mouth before Raph and Mikey are agreeing. He thought he might have to argue against their caution, but it's their brother, it's _Donatello_ , and they're just as fired up, perhaps just as angry as he is. Maybe they're better at directing it. More likely he's just blinded by his own emotions.

Bishop, for all his conniving ways and confidence, has to shove his hands into the air and immediately reveal to them that he does indeed have the cure. As soon as he sees them he can read the fury in their eyes, and Donatello becomes his lone bargaining chip. Leo would rather pummel him into the ground, and from the way Raphael is shaking, he can tell he's not alone. But they need that cure, they need their brother.

"What do you want, Bishop?" His voice is as sharp and piercing as the steel on his back. Leo almost smiles when Bishop winces. He'd gone too far this time, and oh boy did he realize it.

"Something small. For my research. An artifact. Possibly of alien origin."

"Possibly?" He can see Leatherhead edge toward him. He's the calmest of them all, and that subtle movement urges caution. Though his worried face says that he already thinks whatever warning he gives will likely be ignored.

"That's. Why I want to study it. To see if there is any significance." He says each word through gritted teeth. He clearly doesn't like their insolence, but also knows that whatever power he has is fragile in the face of what he's created.

"Fine. Where is it?"

Leo is surprised to see Bishop smile. That cruel, manic smile he had when they were all strapped to his dissection tables. "Oh, I'm not sure where it is exactly. But I do know that somewhere you're very familiar with has it in her possession. Not that she'll give it up easily. Especially not to you, Leonardo."

"Karai."

"I believe she goes by The Shredder now." Bishop still wore a smug grin. Happy to mock the way their fragile relationship had crumbled long ago.

Leo snarled. He wanted to wipe that grin off his face, but making him flinch again was enough. For now. He stalked off, his brothers following closely behind. He only considered telling them to stay and watch Donnie for a moment. Looking into their faces shut that thought out immediately. Raph was still shaking, and Mikey looked to be on the edge of tears. Whether from anger, sadness, or simply his emotional strength wearing thin, Leo wasn't sure. No, he couldn't do that too either of them. Leatherhead would keep Donnie safe and Bishop in line. They had an artifact to retrieve. 

* * *

 

If only it was that simple. Karai had unfortunately been consolidating her defenses. Whatever this artifact was, she'd been cautious with it, using both men and money to secure it in the large skyscraper that housed both the foot's troops and their many money laundering schemes.

But they're more forces than turtles this time around, creating a whirlwind of weapons and dropped body and robot scrap. They ride it to the top, and Leo is so overwhelmed that he nearly cuts Karai down right there. But he stays himself just barely, the sharp tip of his blade inches from her neck.

"I need the artifact your protecting Karai. Don't play games. Don't test me. Just give it here."

There's clearly a bit of fear on her face as she stays just out of his blades' reach. Or is that. Concern? Both perhaps. Leo's gaze snaps away from her eyes. Back to his weapon.

"Bishop doesn't know what he's dealing with Leonardo. He wants to study, but even if he gets his hand on the seal, he will never be able to comprehend what is hidden within." Her voice is steady, not betraying whatever emotion he saw in her eyes.

Leo has a few dozen questions. Seal? How did she know Bishop was behind this? What is 'hidden within.' But they don't have the time or the restraint. The tip of his sword starts to dig into her skin. "Now Karai. I'm not messing around. Don't try to lecture me on consequences."

"Not a lecture." She says smoothly. "A warning. But..." She sighs, heavy and resigned, and slowly pulls out a small metal shape. "Bishop controls the fate of your brother. There is no hiding from that truth. Nor is there a way to convince you to let Donatello go. For the greater good." She tosses him the object. The seal. "Now leave. I will not follow you. Or try to stop you. Not this time."

"Why not?" Leonardo hears his and Raphael's voice speak in stereo. Karai's eyes bounce to him and then back.

"Simple. I cannot beat you. As much as I hate to admit it, Bishop outsmarted me. I did not expect him to use you to get to the seal. I did not think, even with all his vast resources, he could convince you to join his side. I was wrong." A hint of a smile graces her face. "In a way."  
  
"And..." She continues. "Even if you challenged me for the seal in an honorable duel. I don't think I would win. Not when you're in this state Leonardo. Without restraint. Not with something more important than your honor on the line. So go. Now. Before I decide to be reckless in an attempt at revenge."  
  
Leo stares a moment longer before retracting his sword and leaping away. He slinks into the shadows, but before they're completely out of earshot he calls. "Bishop didn't outsmart you. He got lucky."

Leo's nearly sure he hears her laugh, softly but still genuinely amused.


	3. Treatment

Leonardo fiddles with the pill in his hand. Looking at his brother with a little fear, and a lot of doubt. "I told you, Donnie. I learned to control those negative emotions. I don't need..." His eyes flick to the pill, then back to his brother understanding yet firm eyes. "Really this isn't necessary." He starts to hand it back. He appreciates Donatello's presence. He's so glad to have him back. And he can see what he's trying to do, can see how he's trying to help. But Leo knows what helps. Knows what's best.

But Donnie just shakes his head and pushes back Leo's fingers into a closed fist. "Leo, I understand you manage your depression and anxiety (Leo winces visibly at those words. The diagnosis feels like sharp, stabbing kunai, or shuriken, or arrows even. He's felt them all and each one is a better comparison than the last) with meditation and breathing, but this... this would help too. What if you can't sit down and sort out your emotions right away. These can at least- I don't know, keep you stable until you can. They've helped me a lot. And Mikey is so grateful for the Dexmethylphenidate I put him on. He gets so much more done now. You've seen the improvements when we train right?"

"I mean yeah but Donnie..."

"Don't 'but Donnie' me. You just need to try them. A few weeks. Maybe they help. Probably they help. But maybe they don't, and if they don't I'll shut up about it. Just try and see please?"

Don's eyes are softening at this point. His stern look melting away to concern. Leo tries one more time. "I just don't think I'll need them. I'm not going to let anything happen again. I can't let you or anyone else get hurt. Not like last time. I can handle this."

There's a dark, empty look that crosses over Donnie's face. Clearly not the right thing to say. "I mean I'll protect you, Don. You and Mikey and Raph. Even Master Splinter if I have to. I can do-"

"Can you?"

"I... what?"

"Can you protect us? Can you really do anything but yell and complain and go all absolute leader on us when you're emotionally compromised?" Don isn't raising his voice, but his tone is cold and cutting.

"I'm perfectly capable!"

"Really? Because Leatherhead said the first few days I was... I was. Well, you were useless! You didn't do anything!" He throws his hands up then, shaking his head.

Leo stands from the examination table, jabbing a finger into Donnie's chest. "What was I supposed to do! I can't have all the answers all the time!"

"Exactly! You can't. That's what I'm saying. You can't expect to know exactly what to do in hard situations like this. And apparently." He suddenly grabs Leo's arm. There's still white bandages there, covering the healing scabs. He shoves them in Leo's face for only a split second before the arm is yanked away. "Sometimes you can't function at all. Which" Don adds hastily, "Isn't a criticism Leo. Expecting you not to break down isn't fair. We all deal with this shit. We all have our problems. I just want a safety net there for you when it does. So you don't. Do that again." He gestures weakly to Leo's hand, his anger drifting away as sadness comes swelling in.

Leo covers the injured areas, hiding the stark brightness of the white bandages. Ashamed now that the wretched slime of self-hatred has drained away. "I won't-"

Donnie groans and throws his head back. "Just... Just take the goddamn pills, Leo. For fuck's sake. I'm trying to help you." Donnie shoves them into the hardcover of his plastron. And for several moments, they simply glare. Until Leo sighs and snaps the bottle up.

Only because he can remember Mikey's panicked face. Can remember the feeling of blood drip drip dripping down his hand and arm. They glare a little longer, but when Don does finally turn away, it's clear that the understanding is that he'll take them. At least try them. And that hopefully, it will help.

Not that it's immediate.

Donnie's transformation left them all shaken. Donatello especially. But the way their minds had been rattled pulled them all closer to him. Like dice flailing in a cup. Drawn together by the violent motion.

"Need any help?"

"Want to play something?"

"How about some sparring?"

Donnie was less busy these days it seemed. Because he almost always said yes to their offers. But even with the pills and joy at having Donatello back. It took Leo months to settle again. For the world to form back under his feet after it had crumbled beneath him. So he spent months with nightmares. Monstrous glowing red eyes almost always a feature in each vivid dreamscape. And he moved more than usual. Not as bad. Not worrying. But still always wanting to be in action, in practice in case his sharpened skills were needed again.

He's still balancing on broken ground when Usagi comes around again. He can stand on his own once more. But he's shaky and has to cling to his old, unhealthy coping mechanisms for just a little bit longer.

In fact, Usagi shows up to their home concerned. The crisis involving Donatello's transformation had halted their correspondence. And when he meets Leonardo's gaze shadows linger behind his eyes again, retreating now but present. Those facts and the way every one of the Hamato clan hovers protectively around Donatello make it clear to him that something happened. Something awful.

He notices Leo's hand, of course, both because it is a recent injury, and because it's an unusual one for someone of Leo's particular combat style and weaponry. "How did someone get past the guard of two long katana and not do more serious damage? Were they aiming for your hands and not trying to kill you? From what you tell me, The Foot aren't that merciful." He asks it softly one night after they've finished meditating. Leo's eyes dart away immediately, and although he wants to share, he can't give more than a softly mumbled excuse about 'anything happening on the battlefield.' He knows Usagi doesn't buy it.

All the unease, the secrets, the general bad air in the house makes Usagi announce on his fifth day on third earth that he will be staying for a whole month this time around. The whole family is shocked, then excited, then happy, because they can see that although he's on the mend, Leo still needs all the support he can get. They'd only be happier if they could hear Usagi's thoughts, and how he's resigned himself to helping Leo this time. To getting it right. To sharing a new intimate affection with him that was sparked by their initial friendship and stoked by Usagi's worries, his desire to protect Leonardo, and their witty, warm, loving correspondence. That is if Leo wants that.

He's honest with that first part at least, in an almost brutal way. They spend hours reading from ancient strategy war texts one night. It's more Leonardo's interest than his. Usagi, though a strong warrior, has never felt the need to lead. To direct. At least not on the battlefield. And he's sure that's part of the reason he keeps going back to his first visit to New York City in his mind. To his first mistake he'd made with Leonardo. He'd spent a long time rectifying that mishap, and now he was ready to atone for it. In his own strange way.

At least that's the only reasoning he can come up with for why he suddenly let's those five soft, shaky words drop. "I thought I'd ruined you."

"What?"

"When you were at your lowest I thought... that by bringing Kojima here I'd convinced you your family would always be facing danger from all sides. I thought that I had just made things worse."

It takes a moment for Leo's cogs to turn and for recognition to dawn in his eyes. "Usagi... no. Those were my demons. You can't blame yourself for the way my mind twisted back onto me. The way I made myself my own worst enemy. That never was, and never can be your fault." Leo says it firmly, but quietly, looking from Usagi to down at his suddenly all too interesting hands.

"But I could have helped more right? If I had just... listened to you. That night. Right then."

Leo thinks about that for several moments. Trying to remember what was going through his head in that exact moment. But eventually, he shakes his head. "I don't think so. Mikey was frantic, and Gennosuke was trudging around New York City with no regard for how that might affect our world. We were all in panic mode. I wouldn't have listened then. No matter how good the advice." Leo smiles at him, trying to be reassuring.

Usagi looks a bit more at ease, but he still doesn't look convinced. So Leo keeps speaking.

"Really, Usagi. That's in the past, and you being back here and now. It's helping. Especially when you decide to dedicate a month to help me get better." He smiles and keeps talking as Usagi starts to protest. His friend had never said outright those were his reasons, but they weren't hard to guess. "You don't need to hide that. It's a very kind thing your doing, and like I said it is helping. Your presence has always been soothing to me, and every day we get to share our time makes me feel more stable. More at peace."

That finally gets a smile out of him. He nods. "Good. That's... I'm glad that is the case, Leonardo. I'm glad I am helping that much."

They sit like that for a while, happy and going back to their readings until the honesty that Usagi shared weighs on Leo enough for him to share back.

"I didn't hurt my hands in a fight." He says it just as suddenly, and he finds it funny that the both of them are so willing to confront these emotions like this. Head on, but also so much so that it throws the other for a moment.

Usagi blinks, then nods. "I had already guessed that was the case." Then he stands, rising from his where he'd been sitting on the floor and sliding down onto the bed, right next to Leonardo. "May I ask what caused them then? Or did you simply want to confirm my suspicions? Either answer is fine."

"I feel either way I answer I'll be confirming your suspicions." Leo sighs. "I already said I was my own worst enemy..." He trails off, and for several moments he wonders if Usagi will speak before him. Fill in the gaps so he doesn't have to. But he remains silent, and with his eyes down on his injured hand, Leo can't tell if that's simply out of respect or the thought that Leo needs to confront this truth himself. "Self. Inflicted." He mumbles those words, sagging where he sits as he does.

Immediately there's a hand on his shell. Then at the back of his neck, rubbing the tense muscle in slow circular motions. It's a nice feeling, but he's still on edge for the several moments that Usagi doesn't speak. "Am I truly making it better?"

Leo doesn't expect that. He figured he'd either get disapproval or pity. But instead, Usagi sounds... uncertain. "Yes. I wouldn't... I've never been more sure about anything. You're helping."

His tone shifts immediately. Going from uncertain to determined. "Then I will do everything. Everything in my power to help you. To make it better. I swear that to you."

Leo can't help it. Not after those words. They embrace, and through several soft sniffles, Leonardo thanks his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 and 5 will be posted soon, one right after the other. Thanks for reading!


	4. Rehabilitation

"Leonardo" Usagi's voice rings in his head, bouncing through his dreamscape like a shining, clear bell. The dark storm of his usual nightmares is sucked away, replaced with soft white fur, and an equally comforting smile. Usagi is at his bedside, with a strange mixture of sadness and worry on his face. "A nightmare?"

He has to take a moment for the memories of Usagi's arrival, their late night conversations, his promise to do everything in his power to help, to come rushing back full force. Leo smiles slightly, then nods. Tears are at the corners of his eyes, grief and loss fill each droplet. He wipes them away so that Usagi will not see. He realizes a moment later that the gesture is probably pointless. Usagi has lit three separate candles. Without those, their expressions (Leo's fear, Usagi's concern) would be lost to the usual shadows of their underground lair.

But Usagi is polite, and though he surely sees them, he doesn't say a single word about the fear or pain there. Instead, he lays out a hand in a tentative offering gesture. "May I join you?"

Leonardo is stunned. And several seconds pass before he has recovered enough to nod and scoot over. Usagi smiles softly, the corners of that smile all the gentler because of the flickering candlelight, then climbs aboard.

They sit in silence for a little while, a still comfortable one in a house full of babbling, energetic brothers. Even when the lair is silent it is usually filled with the tense energy of training, or the awkward tension of one them saying something wrong or disobeying a rule.

But Usagi finally does speak, and it's clear to Leo that he's been carefully picking his next words. "In my world, when someone has a nightmare, they call on Baku," Usagi repeats a line in Japanese three times. It takes a moment for Leo to translate, (he's tired and English was his first language despite how steeped his family is in Japanese traditions) and he smiles when he realizes Usagi is asking for Baku-San to come eat his friend's bad dreams.

"Children are very fond of that chant. Some of those who have particularly bad nightmares even have Baku carvings as necklaces or small bedside trinkets."

Leonardo finds the story strange, but he's seen stranger both in his and Usagi's world. "Are they real? Your realm is filled with demons and phantoms, perhaps you've seen one of these Baku?"

Usagi shakes his head and answers a little flatly. "No. As far as I know, they are only fairy-tales. A made-up creature to help children, and some adults, sleep easier. A pity really. It seems the only supernatural beings in my dimension are _foul_ , lurking things." He sneers in disgust as he speaks, and then shakes his head. "But..."

"But?"

"There are other better things to shares your dreams with. Beings who won't just suck them away, but listen to them and try to help you overcome whatever fear conjured them in your mind. There are friends." He smiles warmly, softly at Leo again.

Leo either looks shocked, guarded or both because he continues on with a small wave of his hand. "You need not tell me everything, Leonardo. Or anything. Just... I wanted you to know I am here to listen. If you need it. The full story or bits and pieces."

Leo struggles with some initial panic and fear. These dreams are too personal. Too deeply wound into his core. And they have Usagi in them! How can he confess that? But Usagi is still smiling, and the silence still feels comfortable and welcoming. Leo opens his mouth, thinking he'd only share a bit or a piece. Or maybe just a vague, general idea. But then everything comes tumbling out of his mouth like a crumbling Jenga block tower.

"It's always the same. Has been since we almost died on that ship. Sometimes they go away. Usually, when I'm in a better mood they pass. Like now. I said you were helping and I meant it. But... but sometimes they'll sneak attack me like tonight. I always see my brothers in trouble. Looking scared as something... as they're hurt. Or killed. It happens in slow motion, and I'm moving even slower. I can never, ever get there in time. I'm never fast enough. Never good enough. And I... I fail them every time."

He looks over and while the concern in Usagi's eyes doesn't surprise him, the guilt does. He thought they'd solved this. Thought he'd reassured Usagi enough for him to let this go. He reaches over and very gently, carefully touches Leo's shoulder. "Is this... was this what you were feeling when I visited last time?"

Leo nods and Usagi's frown only gets deeper. His grip on his shoulder tightens. "I am sorry my friend. I should have..." He pauses, mouth slightly open, and then quickly shakes his head. "No no. You told me not to do that. I am here now. I can help now." Usagi grips his shoulder tighter, his eyes set, and a moment later they're wrapped up in a tangled, tender embrace.

Leo can't stop the sudden shivers that course through his form. He hugs back of course because what else can he do? He's squeezing tightly, hands clenching and unclenching as he tries to steady himself. He can't really remember the last time he'd felt fur surround him. His father, though loving, wasn't often touchy freely. And for a couple moments, Leo has to fight the feeling of being small and defenseless. Of being a child.

"It is hard. To be relied on by so many, but even under such pressure, you have done _so well_ , Leonardo." Usagi whispers each word with intensity, trying desperately to impart every ounce of his faith, his confidence, his pride in Leonardo. "Every one of them is alive because of _you._ Because of _your_ hard work. Shouldn't you see that as a success, not a failure?"

He clutches Usagi's soft woolen robes and presses his stinging eyes into his fluffy fur. "I know. I know. I keep trying to tell myself that but... all the times I almost messed up. Or all the times they got hurt, that's what keeps coming back to me. And... I mean it's better now. I don't... Donnie gave me some medication, and it's been helping. Even before you came back. Now I don't wallow in those feelings, but they don't go away. Never completely."

Usagi pulls at him, yanks him closer and Leo can only feel soft, plush comfort now. He's still shaking, and he feels a little ridiculous when more tears drip down his face. But if Usagi notices the wet drops on his fur, he's gracious enough to keep his thoughts about them silent. "In my experience, those don't leave you. They hurt less though, with time, and friends, and love." They're tangled together now. Closer than ever.

"And meds?" Leo croaks out those words, with a little questioning laugh. It's only gravelly cause it mixes with the pain and tears that flow out of him.

"And... alcohol." Usagi snorts and shakes his head, and then shivers himself, nose scrunching and twitching in some remembered disgust.

Leo pulls away enough to give him a questioning look. Last time he checked, Usagi didn't drink.

"Only once. During the worst time in my life. Don't follow those footsteps though. It would make me a bad role model." Usagi stares at him in the soft light for several moments serious now and carefully considering something.

When he finally speaks again, Leo again knows that he was sorting through words, making sure he picked the right ones. "I don't know much about this world Leonardo. Its healing techniques are still mostly a mystery to me. But I do know your brothers. Your family. Donatello will do whatever he can to help you. Of that I am sure. So, if he gave them to you, and if they are helping like you say they are. Then take the medication. But know that warmth, love, friendship. That's how I found my way back. And also remember that I'll do my part to help with those three things. Talk to me. Write to me. Or simply seek my comfort. Whatever... whatever I can give, I will." The stern serious tone makes it clear how final and true that statement is. It matches the flat, serious look on his face.

Leonardo nods, a little dumbfounded, and completely unsure of what to say. There's a stutter-step in their movements then because they both move in, slowly, carefully. Their mouths were already so close that it is unmistakable what action they were both about to take. They smile, nervous laughter bubbling between them as they share in this new, strange moment. This different twist on their relationship that Leo was aware of but only dimly until moments ago. And that Usagi had been thinking thinking thinking about, but was too cautious, too scared perhaps to really voice.

"I-" Leo starts, and whatever words he was about to speak are lost to the flowing sands of his mind and some hidden place in Usagi's lips.

Not that they're washed away immediately. Leo has them there, just behind his tongue, but then he's distracted by the softness of Usagi's fur in a new, unrecognizable place, and the slight scratch of his twitching whiskers, and then his hands. A soft, gentle, caring touch, caressing featherlight along his cheek. Then, those words are gone, and Leo can only think of Usagi.

As they separate, there is only blushing stunned silence for several long, thumping heartbeats. Until Usagi cracks a smile and speaks haltingly. "Is that... was that...?"

"Yeah. What about... I mean uh... how about you? I didn't...?" There's a sudden soft note of concern in his voice. Buried for Usagi's sake, but still reminiscent of the dark clouds that had swirled inside him before. He hadn't addressed this. Hadn't faced it head-on, because he wasn't ready to check that it was really there. So all of the worry and the doubt comes rushing in until Usagi smiles again.

"Of course not. I... you're..." They're still so close, and slowly he places his hands to where they were as they kissed. He slowly, carefully strokes Leo's face. "You are the most kindred spirit I have ever met, Leonardo. I want whatever you'd like to give. This closeness. Your trust. And... what we just did." There's a careful distance in his touch, and he doesn't go for another kiss. "But I am also not willing to push you more than I already have. You know my feelings now, but it is your choice where we go next. And how fast we get there."

Leo opens his mouth. He starts to ask for more, for another kiss, for their bond to run deep and true. There is no one like Usagi. But those same doubts come flooding in, closing up his throat. He doesn't know. His feelings have been an inkling. A shadowy presence he shoved into the corners of his consciousness because so many other feelings were more important. The rage, and regret, and sadness. He's still learning those. He isn't sure if he has room for love and need and commitment.

But he still remembers the blood trickling down his arm and the tears down his face. He still remembers how this rabbit washed those all away and replaced them with a calm peace that he only now is convinced exists. There is indeed, _no one_ like Usagi Miyamoto.  
  
"Leonardo?"

"Just... hold me for now. And... give me time?"

He takes his friend back into his soft, caring arms. "Of course."

He falls asleep in Usagi's arms that night: warm, content, and loved.


	5. The Best Medicine

A dance begins that next day, stilted and clumsy. A messy shifting that comes with new love, and the sudden shuffle of the tectonic plates of a relationship. It's strange to wake up in each other's arms, even stranger when what follows is a lot of ums and apologies as limbs are untangled and weight lands in awkward, sometimes painful places.

As soon as he's standing, Usagi bows, offering apologies for rushing this. For jumping in without thinking. And then Leo has to put his hands up and explain. Haltingly at first, and then in full, because his shorter ones don't bare the wounds that Usagi has already seen, and it really is just making things more confusing. It's clear in his friend's tilted head and twitching nose.

"I'm not saying no. I'm just... still dealing with the nightmares. The pills. With my own burdens. I don't have the capacity for a relationship... to even think about the possibility of one really. Once I've spent enough time sorting through this last year. The Utroms. The Shredder. That ship. Donnie transforming. All of it. Then we can come back to this. Then I'll come back to this."

"Of course! And my first priority is to help with that. I... made a promise to you last night, and intend to do everything in my power to keep it. I just hope I haven't shifted our dynamic too much that it would be better if I were back in my world, instead of by your side."

"What? No! I..." He shakes his head and laughs. This was ridiculous. Then he takes Usagi's furry hands into his. Because _they're_ being ridiculous. There will be no more shying away from this. "Miyamoto Usagi there is no one in this world or any other that knows me as you do. You think like me, you've made the mistakes I am making now, and most important of all you are my friend. You told me just last night we need companionship. We need love most when we are in trouble. Unsure. Scared. I am still all of those things. I still need you."

There's a softening in Usagi's eyes, in his grip. Leo is almost sure he hears him sniffle. Just slightly. He doesn't mention it, even when Usagi's voice comes out strained, almost cracking. "I understand. I'll do my best. And... I'll be patient. Take a much time as you need."

Leo can't help himself. He pulls Usagi into an embrace then and there, and they spend a little more time tangled together. Again Leonardo is reminded that there is no one like Usagi Miyamoto, and he's sure that's all it will take. Time.

* * *

 

Leo's right in the end. He already has the support system. So it only takes time trickling onward for his friends and family to smooth the road under Leonardo's feet so he can stand on stable ground again. Him growing closer to Usagi coincides with this shift. That happens just as slowly until he's dealt with all the other shit and he does as he promised and goes back to examining those new, exciting, scary thoughts. Then, it happens all at once. Leo instigates the next kiss. Another follows. And another. Until they're holding hands and snuggling, and exchanging love letters. Until their paths are so woven and knotted together that they become inseparable.

Until they wake up together this morning, just as tangled together as the night of Usagi's confession. No candles this time though. Early morning in the lair is always pitch black. No light filters through the cracks of windows and the only way to see is to either flip on the electrical lights Donatello installed or light one of the many candles scattered throughout their home.

Despite the darkness, Leonardo is still slowly waking. He knows that any light will have to wait. The darkness is what he's used to anyway, his natural element. But it also makes him search for the other warm body in his bed. He feels around until he touches soft fur, and then a moment later he's cuddling into his boyfriend. "Usagi..." He murmurs as he stuffs his face into the rabbit's fluffy chest.  
  
There's a small groan, and then he's wrapped up in cuddly warmth. He hums and expresses gratitude with kisses and touches and soft whispers of love. Love love love. The word sounds so warm, bursting through his veins and electrifying the air between them. Making it crackle like snapping embers.  
  
"Always so affectionate in the winter..." Usagi's voice sounds unfocused still, but there's a clear air of amusement. A trill, a lift, whatever it is, Leo smiles back. No. Smiles into his fluffed up chest, because they're still wrapped in warm, friendly shadows and Usagi doesn't need to see him yet. Just feel.

Leonardo is 29. Usagi is 36. The clock has wound around their shared lives several times now. Almost 10. (They don't remind the other of that fact. But they both do _know_.) So winter is familiar. This part of the year and what it means for them separately and together is familiar.

Usagi is up to staying for 12 whole weeks. Leo has almost coaxed 13 from him now. He thinks this year he might. He hopes this year he might. Especially since Usagi has come a little earlier and the idea of him leaving a little earlier makes Leo grip tighter to him in their shared bed.  
  
Leo breathes. He still has a long way to go before he starts clinging. December has only just started, and his love will be around a good while longer to warm the chilly paralysis that is New York's winter.

He still hates feeling slow and worn down and even depressed. Donatello has already recommended he put a higher dose in his med box. Leonardo would listen because those feelings and fears haven't gone away in the ten years since he and Usagi confessed and connected. He would listen.

But Usagi is here and Usagi keeps him warm and moving and happy. He covers those fears and failures and seems to wrestle them into submission. Until Leo feels happy and at peace. And those are key. Because happy and at peace is different from merely stable and functioning. The pills only make him function. They only manage to keep those dark thoughts from swelling up and taking control again. And well, Usagi doesn't come with the side effect of morning dizziness. Well... hm no that's more... morning blissful exhaustion. When they both wake up in the mood for that anyway.

"I love mattresses. And these pillows. I should feel bad for luxury but..." Usagi's grateful words break up the smooth machinery that is Leo's chugging train of thought. That and the huge wide yawn he gives before falling back into comfort.

"We are gladly giving it. Samurai must graciously accept hospitality, no? It is your duty to enjoy the luxurious amenities." Leo can't help but make the pitch of his voice slide down, so he sounds like he's selling something truly luxurious indeed.

Usagi laughs softly, and he's glad that salesmen in ancient Japan are just as artful with their pitches.

Usagi grew up in a world where polite decorum reigned. He claims he should feel bad even as he thanks them endlessly. That would be enough for Leonardo. Because Gods when Usagi smiles as he murmurs arigatou against Leo's lips there is some kind of soulful beauty to it all. Sometimes he swears his spirit unwraps from his physical form because those moments make him feel floaty and incorporeal. But even then, even when his words give so much, Usagi still cleans and trains with them and sometimes even helps them cook. He becomes more family member than guest, and that is more than enough for any of them. Each member of Leo's little family gets another bright soul to warm their days. Even if Leo does hog it. Just a little bit.

"Isn't the hospitality of a lover expected?" Usagi says it with mock disapproval, trying to sound hurt or disappointed, but failing hard because he's still breathing out half laughs.

And it's unfair. Because Leonardo's whole body suddenly feels like it was snapped taut like a whip. Because Usagi can't just say _lover_ in that nonchalant teasing voice and expect Leo to be okay. He pulls him closer, and once he's managed to breathe properly again, he plays along.  
  
"Of course, but if you take it for granted you will miss it that much more when it is gone." Leo shakes his head against Usagi's chest as he says the words, his own smile bright against the rabbit's furry chest, glittering into the white strands. How could he even speak of such a ridiculous concept? Usagi being ungrateful?

"Never."

"I know." He tries to keep his voice steady so there is an air of assurance to it. So that it's clear that it hadn't even crossed his mind.

Usagi breathes deeply as the words settle, and as he exhales, they search for the others hand and squeeze when they entwine perfectly. Imperfectly. Because Usagi has too many fingers or Leo has too few, but they've managed a solution. An adaption, because they've evolved past awkwardly switching and moving fingers and they just navigate the action like a natural part of themselves.

They both sigh, dreamy and warm, and Leo cuddles closer still. He imagines weaving his body into Usagi's coat. Which right now is especially long and soft. It's perfect this way, and not just because it keeps Leo warm, keeps Leo moving in the winter. Before, when Usagi spent the season under the sky in his own world, the fuzzy coat became too much with all the walking and running Usagi did. He's still just as active in New York. Sparring, going on patrols, and even trying to learn skateboarding from Michelangelo. But here Leo's chilly body is there to balance that out. So they keep an equilibrium. Usagi is never too warm. Leo is never too cold.

Really in winter Usagi almost becomes a walking, loving blanket. One that he clings and carries with him through the lair. No one complains, least of all his boyfriend, who is so happy for the needy physical affection that when he visits in the other seasons he's almost as clingy. Once or twice it even became too much. Their thermodynamic balance only works in one season, because Leo is only stone cold in winter.

"We should get up." There is so much reluctance in that statement that Leo laughs. It's funny sometimes when Usagi feels he must be the responsible one because he is older.

"You know we don't need to rise at dawn here. Not now anyway. Especially not now that everyone has gotten used to this..." He snuggles closer to signify that them lying in a heap means this.

When Leo was younger he'd force his body awake even when it was cold. His brothers, though reluctant, followed his example. Even with their discipline, Splinter always seemed to overlook training tardiness in winter.

"I know I know. Your father has grown lenient in his age. My master might scold him, but I definitely appreciate it."

Leo snorts. He's met Katsuchi, several times now. The feline is still alive, though every time Leo sees him he's grayer, grumpier, and definitely more strict. Usagi doesn't mind, and Leo is both too fond of his boyfriend and the elderly lion's ways. So he doesn't complain. But that doesn't mean he's glad Splinter has become more of a father than a sensei these days.

They still train, even in the slow down the chilly air creates, but usually, they've all dragged themselves to the living room by noon, five or six hours later than their training hours the rest of the year.

"We got up at 11 yesterday. I think that's early enough."

Usagi doesn't even hesitate as he says with a teasing little laugh. "You are turning me into a delinquent, Leonardo."

"I'm corrupting you now am I?" He says it with a teasing enough lilt, that when Usagi's hand brushes his buttocks he isn't particularly surprised. He's sure there's smolders of passion in the rabbit's eyes, but the inky darkness keeps them well hidden.

"I thought we'd already discussed how you dragged me to the side of deviancy. Do we need to have another conversation?"

Leonardo is immediately tempted, but it is still early. Despite their shared heat, he's gotten so used to being groggy in the winter. His eyelids droop, protesting against any carnal desire. "Later, my love. For now, I simply wish to lie back down and enjoy your comfort. If that's alright..."

"Of course." He says with a gentle smile in his voice. He can't help giving Leo's tail a parting squeeze, but after that, his hands return to only touching above the belt. They snuggle back together, their loving sighs harmonizing as they fall into dreams once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! c:


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